Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
