Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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