I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
