so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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