I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize