i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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