I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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