thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
