My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize