I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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