I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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