Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
