Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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