How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
