I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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