I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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