I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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