problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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