Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
