so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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