Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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