I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
