true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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