I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Randomize
