Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh god it's open bar.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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