My first STD was from a foam party
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
