i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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