Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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