I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
