I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
