Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my being single is dangerous.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
