bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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