yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
