I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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