Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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