i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
