So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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