I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
