I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
