there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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