I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
