my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
