You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
