theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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