If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
