Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
