Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
