I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
