And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
