he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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