I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize