i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
