One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
