these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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