i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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