just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
