seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
