and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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