he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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