You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
