My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize