If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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