i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize